Two Types of Girls

As my thirty-sixth anniversary approaches, I reflect on what I have observed about the institution of marriage.

Throughout history, most cultures have agreed upon and understood the definition of marriage. Apparently twenty-first century America is not one of these.

How sad it is that young Americans know nothing of the most basic matrimonial rules. First and foremost, there are two types of girls: those you marry, and those you don’t. Secondly, a fiancé is one that shares a ring and a date. There are other words for sharing an apartment.

Sometimes people comment on how special it is to be married so long. How silly! Don’t they know? Everyone that married nice girls, still are, and those that did otherwise were never actually married. I don’t mean to say they can’t have a lifelong arrangement. It just doesn’t meet the historical definition of marriage.

On a cold November night, I saw Sweet Mom for the first time. From across the room, I was attracted to her exotic looks and managed to get an introduction. As we conversed, the language of others in our company distracted her.

“That irks me,” she said of their foul mouths. Perhaps this was code telling me she was a nice girl. Anyway, I did want to get to know her better.

Of our filthy mouthed friends, one married and divorced at least two type two girls. Another, a type two girl herself, went on to live a tragic life. The last I heard of the third, he was in jail of some sort.

From that night hence, all I’ve wanted was to be near Sweet Mom. All these years I’ve followed her around, torturing her with incessant conversation. In order to achieve productivity, we’ve always had to maintain separate offices. Even though I have a fine private office, it is too close to that girl. Thus, here I sit at the fishing spot.

When queried about my marital experience, I usually respond that marriage has always agreed with me. Should I add a disclaimer saying these results are not typical? Perhaps I could add a list of contraindications, e.g. “don’t take marriage if you have a history, etc.”

What irks me is that this country has made a mockery of this most ancient and sacred union.
 
©05/15/09